Who am I? Well if I knew the answer to that one, I probably wouldn’t have a blog dedicated to “seeking” and call myself Questrix!

Seriously, like probably a lot of you, I consider myself to be one big mass of contradictions. I guess relative to this blog one of my defining characteristics is my curiosity – maybe I never matured past that toddler stage where everything is “Why?”, but I’d like to think it’s deeper than that. I love to learn. I hate to jump to conclusions. I’m horrible at debates because when you throw a fact at me, I want to validate the fact and research my arguments before I respond. This time of year, when political candidates are slinging mud all over the place, drives me nuts because I feel like every sentence is skewed one way or another and who has time to figure it all out? I feel so naive; why can’t they just fight fair?

Other contradictions, let’s see – I like to think of myself as kind of bohemian and I really don’t think material possessions mean all that much to me in general, I’m all about “peace, love, and understanding”. But I lost my job in the spring and I’ve been living off unemployment for these past months, and I have to admit I’ve had trouble adjusting to dyeing my hair at home, not having food delivered for dinner a few times a week. I miss regular happy hours and dinners with my friends. And the angst I’m going through with my mortgage company – aiyiyi, we’ll save that for another time. So obviously, I liked the money I was making quite a lot.

The other important contradictions that I’m sure will come into play as I share my quests with you are religion, relationship status, and emotional disposition. I’m one of those “spiritual but not religious” types, but my spirituality is something I take very seriously. As an adult, I struggled with the question of my own Christianity and after months of wrestling internally I determined I’m not a Christian. This was one of the most difficult realizations of my life, but I’m glad I questioned it and decided what I believe. I do, however, have a deep faith in God as a higher, universal power – just not as the God taught in the religions I grew up in. My spiritual path is a continuous and fascinating quest.

I’m long-term divorced with no children, though when I was a little girl my picture perfect future was to be a wife and mother. I’m still hoping to one day be in a committed relationship again with a man who loves me as much as I love him, married or not, but I’m not as sure about children anymore.

As for emotional disposition, I’ve got the ultimate contradiction for you – I’m bipolar. Luckily for me, I have the “good” kind (Bipolar II for those of you in the know) that isn’t as severe; unfortunately for me, I tend to have more depressive episodes. In yet another of those contradictions, people see me as generally optimistic and kind of a Suzie-Sunshine type; the bipolar, the depression is my big dark secret that I hide behind a smiling, competent mask. It will be interesting to see how you see me when there’s no face to smile and no mask to wear for Questrix.

Long post, but first impressions are hard. And sometimes indelible. I just hope mine was accurate, whether favorable or unfavorable.

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